Goddamn bugs.
Oh, shit!
Oh, crap.
Well, Nick the Dick. What a surprise.
Where you coming from?
Fishing in Cuernavaca.
Sure. Let's take a look at your catch.
Come on.
I would've thrown them back.
What do you get? 100 bucks a head? 200?
Hope you saved it all for your lawyer. You'll need it.
We'll take it from here.
Who the hell are you?
INS, Division 6.
Division 6? I never heard of Division 6.
Really?
Who you betting on?
Tough call, Kay.
What's up, how are you?
Good, good.
Grandma, don't worry.
Welcome to the United States.
Where are you going, Nogales?
Looking for work?
And you, the same?
And you?
Pleasure seeing you here.
And you?
What if I break your face?
You're very ugly, no?
You don't speak a word of Spanish.
We've got a winner here.
Oh, I know.
The rest of you can leave.
Don't move!
Get in the truck and leave.
Sir, you can't...
Don't "sir" me, young man.
You have no idea who you're dealing with.
Get in the truck right now!
We'll chat with our friend. You hit the road.
Keep on protecting us from the dangerous aliens.
You ever hear of Division 6?
There is no Division 6.
This is bullshit.
Hell, yeah.
Looks like you fell off the bus in the wrong part of town.
I'll bet you're not from anywhere near here.
Mikey?
Mikey, when they let you out of jail?
Political refugee.
You know how many treaties you just violated?
- One? - Try seven.
You hand me that head.
Put up your arms and flippers.
Shit!
Shoot him!
- "That." - That...
Was not human. I know. You got some entrails on you.
What the hell?
The situation's under control.
Give me your attention for a moment.
I'll tell you what happened.
This is called a neuralizer. It's a gift from friends from out of town.
This red eye isolates...
...the brain's impulses, specifically the ones for memory.
Give me a splay burn on the perimeter...
...with holes at 40, 60, and 80 metres...
...from right here. Thank you.
That's good.
What's going on?
Excellent question.
The answer you're looking for lies right here.
Who are you, really?
Really?
I am just a figment of your imagination.
Damn, what a gullible breed.
I'm serious. You're lucky to be alive after that blast.
What blast?
The underground gas main.
You should exercise caution before firing...
...I'll tell you that now. Especially you.
Have yourself checked out with EMS before you leave.
I'm sorry about back there.
It happens.
Didn't used to.
The spirit's willing, Kay...
...but the rest of me...
They're beautiful, aren't they?
The stars.
We never just look anymore.
I'll tell you, Kay...
...I will miss the chase.
No, Dee...
...you won't.
Freeze!
NYPD! Freeze!
All yours, Edwards.
Freeze means stop!
What the hell?!
It just be raining black people in New York.
Do you see this?
N-Y-P-D!
Means I will knock your punk-ass down!
He's coming!
Yeah, and when he gets here, I'll arrest his ass too.
You trying to catch a beat-down?
What's up?
He's coming.
He's coming because I failed. Now he'll kill me.
You pissing everybody off today, huh?
You don't understand.
Your world's gonna end.
What are you?
Watch that ledge. Watch the ledge.
Come on down. We'll get those eyes fixed, don't worry.
Wait a minute. Let me talk to you!
I work my butt off to make a living.
All I want is to come home to a fat steak on the table...
...but instead I get this. It looks like poison.
Don't take that away! I'm eating that! It is poison, isn't it?
I swear, I wouldn't be surprised if it was...
...the way you skulk like a dog been hit too much, or not enough!
I can't decide.
You're useless, Beatrice.
The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my goddamn truck!
Figures.
What the heck is it?
Get your big butt back in the house.
Place projectile weapon on the ground.
You can have my gun...
...when you pry it from my dead fingers.
Your proposal is acceptable.
Edgar, what on earth was that?
Sugar.
I've never seen sugar do that.
Give me sugar.
In water.
More.
Your skin is hanging off your bones.
Is that better?
"The perpetrator blinked two sets of eyelids."
Blinked with both eyes?
He blinked one set, then a completely different set.
You know, like high beams and low beams.
Was that before or after he drew the weapon that you claim...
...evaporated into a million pieces?
After, sir.
Why is it that no other officers saw either of these events?
Some of them are soggy around the midsection.
They weren't able to keep up.
If you were half the man I am...
I am half the man that you are.
What is your problem?
You're in my face.
- I think he threw him off the roof. - You next.
I wanna talk to you.
Ten minutes, you take your best shot, tough guy.
Take 10 minutes on a StairMaster, you pudgy bastard!
I believe you. Laurel Weaver. Deputy Medical Examiner.
Find me at the morgue. I'll show you.
Wait.
Wait a minute!
You're Dr. Weaver with the coroner's office working on the John Doe?
- That's right. - Will you look at this, please?
Some night, huh?
Some night.
They were gills, not eyelids.
Gills. He was out of breath.
Who are you?
Did he say anything to you?
He said the world was coming to an end.
Did he say when?
Would you recognize his weapon if you saw it again?
Absolutely.
Come on, let's take a ride.
Wait a minute. Look, I got tons of paperwork...
It's all done.
Good work.
You really ran this dude down on foot? That's tough.
That's double tough.
So who exactly are you with?
FBI? NSA?
I'm part of a bureau that licenses, monitors and polices aliens on Earth.
Yeah, whatever.
We're here.
This is where we're going?
This is Jack Jeebs' spot.
He buys from chain-snatchers. Doesn't sell guns.
Really?
All right, look.
I'm gonna go in and put my thing down, but when I come out, I want answers.
Okay, go put your thing down.
Officer Eduardo!
How did these get here? I thought I turned them in.
I hear you're into something hotter than stolen Rolexes.
I deal crack, but I still work here. I love the hours.
I'm talking about guns, smart-ass! Weird ones.
Come on! What you see is what I got.
Show him the imports, Jeebs.
Hey, Kay. How are you?
- Show him the imports. - I got out of that business.
Why do you lie to me?
Hold on a second.
I'll count to three.
He'll do it, Jeebs. That man does not look stable.
You know what? He's crazy when he's like this.
He's always crazy. Get a massage.
Take a cruise...
- Drop the weapon. - I warned him.
Drop the weapon!
- You warned him. - I'll kill you.
You insensitive jerk!
Do you have any idea how much that stings?
Show us the merchandise, or you'll lose another head.
Mr. Edwards...
There, the one in the middle.
You sold a reverberating carbonizer with mutate capacity...
...to an unlicensed cephalopoid! You piece of...
He looked okay to me.
It was for an assassination. The target?
I don't know.
- Goddamn it! - I don't know!
All that's confiscated.
Be on the next transport off this rock, or I shoot where it don't grow back.
And I'm gonna be back to talk about them Rolexes.
Searching for a handle on the moment?
I can't help you.
The only comfort I can offer...
...is my promise that tomorrow you won't remember a thing.
That's not exactly some shit you forget.
Ever seen one of these?
She looks over to her husband...
...then sets it down in her lap and says:
"Honey, this one's eating my popcorn."
Get it?
This one's eating...
Gotta go. Thanks for the egg rolls.
Wait a minute.
Who are you?
See what I mean about tequila? You're very bright.
But you need to lay off the sauce.
I'll see you bright and early, 9:00.
Be there...
...or be square.
Well, well, well.
Moving right in, are we? Think we own the place?
I got an eviction notice for you.
Just what exactly do you think you're doing here?
Taking care of your pest problem.
Pest problem?
Pest?
You got a hell of an infestation.
You know, I've noticed an infestation here.
Everywhere I look, nothing but undeveloped, unevolved...
...barely conscious pond scum...
...totally convinced of their own superiority...
...as they scurry about their short...
...pointless lives.
Don't you wanna get rid of them?
In the worst way.
Help you?
This dude gave me this card...
Elevator.
You're late. Sit down.
My name is Zed.
You're all here because you're the best.
Marines, Air Force, Navy SEALs, Army Rangers, NYPD.
We want one of you.
Just one.
What will follow is a series of simple tests...
...for motor skills, concentration, stamina.
I see we have a question.
I'm sorry, maybe you already answered this but...
...why are we here?
Son.
Lieutenant Jensen. West Point graduate with honours.
We're here because you want the best of the best of the best, sir!
What's so funny, Edwards?
Your boy, Captain America, here.
"The best of the best of the best, sir!"
"With honours."
...and has no clue why we're here.
That's just very funny to me.
Y'all ain't laughing, though.
Okay, let's get going.
Wanna get down on this?
Edwards, what happened?
Hesitated.
May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die?
She was the only one that seemed dangerous.
How'd you figure that?
I was gonna pop this guy hanging from the light...
...but he's just working out.
How'd I feel if somebody bust my ass while I'm on the treadmill?
Then I saw this snarling beast.
I noticed he had a tissue in his hand and realized...
...he's not snarling, he's sneezing.
Ain't no threat there.
Then I saw Tiffany.
8-year-old white girl, middle of the ghetto...
...bunch of monsters at night with quantum physics books?
She about to start some shit.
Those books are way too advanced for her.
If you ask me, she's up to something.
I'd appreciate it if you eased up about it.
Or do I owe her an apology?
Good shot, though, right?
He has a problem with authority.
So do I.
But this kid ran down a cephalopoid on foot, boss.
That's gotta be tough enough.
Let's hope you know what you're doing.
Gentlemen, congratulations.
You're everything we expect from years of government training.
If you'll just follow me, we have one more test to administer.
An eye exam.
Where are you going?
What the hell is all this?
In the 1950s, the government started an underfunded agency...
...with the laughable purpose of establishing contact...
...with a race not of this planet.
Look at the end of this device.
Everyone thought the agency was a joke, except the aliens...
...who made contact on March 2, 1961 outside New York.
There were nine of us the first night. Seven agents, one astronomer...
...and a dumb kid who'd gotten lost.
You brought that tall man some flowers.
This way.
They were a group of intergalactic refugees.
Wanted Earth as an apolitical zone for creatures without a planet.
You ever see Casablanca?
Same thing, except no Nazis.
We agreed and concealed all evidence of their landing.
So these are real flying saucers and the World's Fair was a cover-up?
Why hold it in Queens?
More nonhumans arrive every year and live among us in secret.
Not to change the subject, but when was the last time you got a CAT scan?
- Six months ago. It's company policy. - Make another appointment.
Tell your boy Zed I had an absolutely wonderful time...
...and thank you for everything, but show me the door.
All right. I'm getting some coffee. You want some?
No, thank you, I'm fine.
How you doing?
Hi, Kay.
- That's not decaf, is it? - Viennese cinnamon.
Don't tell me we only got powdered stuff for cream. I hate it.
Well, that's good. Good. Good.
You guys getting along all right?
Don't work too hard.
Sure you don't want some coffee?
Here's the deal.
At any given time, there are around 1500 aliens on the planet.
Most of them here in Manhattan.
Most of them are decent. Just trying to make a living.
- Cab drivers? - Not as many as you'd think.
Humans, for the most part, don't have a clue. Don't want one.
They're happy. They think they have a good bead on things.
People are smart. They can handle it.
A person is smart.
People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals, and you know it.
1500 years ago, everybody knew the Earth was...
...the centre of the universe.
500 years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat.
And 15 minutes ago, you knew that people were alone on this planet.
Imagine what you'll know...
...tomorrow.
- What's the catch? - The catch?
The catch is, you will sever all human contact.
Nobody will ever know you exist anywhere...
...ever.
I'll give you to sunrise to think it over.
Is it worth it?
Yeah, it's worth it.
If you're strong enough.
What's up, pops?
I'm in...
...because there's some next-level shit going on here.
Before y'all beam me up, there's a few things to understand.
First off, you chose me, so you recognize the skills.
I don't want nobody calling me "son" or "kid" or "sport." Cool?
Cool. Whatever, slick.
But I need to tell you something about all your skills.
As of right now, they mean precisely...
...dick.
- Purpose of trip? - Diplomatic mission.
Duration of stay?
Lunch.
Any fruits or vegetables?
You wanna stay away from that guy.
He's grouchy.
Three hours in customs after a 17-trillion-mile trip...
...will make anyone cranky.
What government branch do we report to?
- None. They ask too many questions. - Who pays for this?
We hold patents on a few gadgets we confiscated from out-of-state visitors.
Velcro, microwave ovens, liposuction.
This is a fascinating gadget.
It'll replace CDs soon. I'll have to buy the White Album again.
That's fun. A universal translator. We're not even supposed to have it.
Human thought is so primitive. It's looked upon...
...as an infectious disease in some galaxies.
That kind of makes you proud.
What's this?
Just be calm!
Relax!
Watch your head!
Someone get him some ice!
Look out! Move! Just move when it's coming at you!
Damn!
I'll pay for that!
This thing caused the 1977 New York blackout.
Practical joke by the Great Attractor.
He thought it was funny.
Sorry, y'all.
It was a accident. Sorry.
Observation, the heart of our endeavour.
Meet the twins, Blblup and Bob.
This map shows the location of every alien on Earth.
Some are under constant surveillance.
Everyone on those screens is an alien.
In public, they're as normal as you are, but in private...
You'll get the idea.
Oh, man.
Doesn't make any sense, right?
Well, no, it makes perfect sense.
In third grade, everyone said I was crazy, but I knew our teacher...
...had to be from Venus or something.
Ms. Edelson. Jupiter, actually. Well, one of the moons.
...revolve.
Class...
...be quiet and pay attention!
If I have to tell you...
...one more time...
Let's put it on.
Put what on?
The last suit you'll ever wear.
You will dress only in attire specially sanctioned...
...by MiB Special Services.
You'll conform to the identity we give you...
...eat where we tell you, live where we tell you.
From now on...
...you'll have no identifying marks of any kind.
You will not stand out in any way.
Your entire image is crafted...
...to leave no lasting memory with anyone you meet.
You are a rumour, recognizable only as...
...dej. Vu and dismissed just as quickly.
You don't exist. You were never born.
Anonymity is your name.
Silence, your native tongue.
You're no longer part of the system.
You are above the system. Over it.
Beyond it.
We're "them." We're "they."
We are the Men in Black.
You know what the difference is between you and me?
I make this look good.
We're gonna go for a little ride.
I'll put you down here for a minute, and Daddy will be right back.
Okay, now we're ready to go for a little ride.
We'll meet one of Daddy's friends, and you'll like him.
Okay, let's see.
Bee, we got the deposed sur-prefect of Singalee...
...touching down in the forest outside Portland tonight.
- Humanoid? - You wish. Bring a sponge.
Here. Red letter from last night.
We had an unauthorized landing in upstate New York.
Keep your ears open on this one.
We're not hosting an intergalactic kegger down here.
We got a skimmer.
Landed alien out of zone. Who is it?
Redgick.
He's not cleared to leave Manhattan, but he's out of town...
...stuck on the New Jersey turnpike.
Take junior with you.
This is a good one for him to warm up on.
Go get him, tiger.
"We're not hosting an intergalactic kegger."
Zed...
He just...
Unlimited technology from the whole universe, and we cruise around...
...in a Ford POS.
Fasten your seat belt.
We gotta work on your people skills.
You'd get a better reaction if you were polite.
Fasten your seat belt, please.
Good. Did you hurt yourself?
The red button there, kid. Don't ever touch the red button.
All right, pop, that'll be $72 there.
Okay, sweetie, let me pay the impolite driver.
Sorry I'm late. The cab drivers on this planet are terrible.
Your Majesty, you are in grave danger.
Yeah, and they overcharge you every time.
Sir, a bug landed here. We must get you off the planet.
A bug? He must know why I'm here.
We think he does.
Is that what I think it is?
No, just some diamonds for your children.
Do we have time to eat?
Sure. I ordered you some Pirogi.
Six is up!
Where is Ivan?
Gave him a break.
To the continued reign of the Arquillian Empire.
To the safety of the Galaxy.
You can kill us both, but you will not find the Galaxy.
You're right about one thing.
You're not going anywhere.
Your licence and registration, please.
Like to see your other licence and registration, please.
You're restricted to Manhattan. Where are you going, Redgie?
It's my wife. She's... Well, look.
No big deal.
Okay, you come with me, Redge.
And you handle this.
What?! Me?
- You just catch. - Does he know what he's doing?
He does it all the time. Let him work.
Damn, man!
Something's peeking!
You're headed out of town.
- We're meeting someone. - Who?
- It's a ship. - I saw no departure clearance.
You didn't?
It's an emergency.
You're doing fine!
What kind of emergency? What's the rush to get off the planet?
We don't like the neighbourhood anymore.
Some of the new arrivals...
New arrivals? Have anything to do with the crasher last night?
Excuse me, miss!
Oh, man.
Oh, man!
Look.
Oh, man!
Congratulations, Redge. It's a...
...squid.
You know, it's...
...actually kind of...
...cute.
Anything about that seem unusual?
What would scare Redgick so badly...
...that he'd risk a warp jump with a newborn?
We'll check the hot sheets.
These are "hot sheets"?
Best investigative reporting on Earth.
Read The New York Times if you want. They get lucky sometimes.
Cannot believe you're looking for tips in the supermarket tabloids.
Not "looking for."
Found.
- Wait a minute, slow down. - Why?
Give her time to get the wrong impression. Makes it smoother.
Can I help you?
Yes, ma'am. I'm Agent Manheim, this is Agent Black, FBI.
We'd like to talk about your visitor.
Gonna make fun of me too?
No, we do not have a sense of humour we're aware of. May we come in?
Sure.
- Thank you. - Lemonade?
Oh, yes, please.
The chief of police came to the house...
...and did an investigation.
Took a police report and writ down everything I said...
...not believing one thing I said.
Sort of poking fun at me.
He asked me, "If he was murdered...
...how was he able to walk back in the house?"
I gotta admit to you that that one got me stumped.
I tell you, I know Edgar, and that wasn't Edgar.
It was like something was wearing Edgar.
Like a suit...
...an Edgar suit.
Dude was that ugly before he was an alien.
I'm sorry.
Go on.
Anyway...
...I come to and he's gone.
He say anything?
Yes. He asked me for some water.
Some sugar water.
Sugar water?
I remember that right. I thought that that was odd...
...that he asked me for sugar water and not lemonade or ice water...
...or regular water...
...tap water.
All right, Beatrice. There was no alien.
The flash of light was not a U.F.O.
Gas was trapped in a thermal pocket and refracted the light from Venus.
Wait a minute.
That thing erases her memory, and you just make up a new one?
A standard-issue neuralizer.
That weak-ass story is the best you came up with?
All right. On a more personal note...
...Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend. You'll stay with your mama...
...and decide you're better off.
Yeah, because he never appreciated you anyway.
In fact, you know what?
You kicked him out. And now that he's gone...
...you'll go in town, find yourself some nice dresses.
Get yourself some shoes. Find somewhere you could get a facial.
And hire a decorator to come in here quick because... damn!
When do I get my own flashy...
...memory messer-upper?
When you grow up.
Please. Not green.
Oh, damn!
Do you know which alien leaves a green spectral trail...
...and craves sugar water?
That was on Jeopardy last night. Damn, Alex said it was...
Zed, we have a bug.
So... What? We don't like bugs?
Bugs thrive on carnage, tiger.
They consume, infest, destroy, live off the death of other species.
You were stung as a child, right?
Imagine a giant cockroach with unlimited strength...
...a massive inferiority complex, and a real short temper...
...is terrorizing Manhattan Island in a new Edgar suit.
That sound like fun?
What's the move?
With a bug in town, we'll watch the morgues.
Where do you want contestant number 3?
Just leave it there.
What's with the cat?
There's a problem with the cat. Sign here.
- What's the problem with the cat? - It's your problem.
I hate the living.
Shall we?
Oh, my God!
Buddy, what are you?
Subject was approximately 112 degrees at time of autopsy...
...indicating a temperature increase.
Examiner tried to verify this rectally, but the subject had no rectum.
Which is really...
Weird.
I'm Dr. Leo Manville, Department of Public Health. This is Dr. White.
You must not have a home life.
We watch the morgues carefully. You have something unusual?
I'd say so. Triple homicide.
The first body was normal, except he was broken in half.
But when I opened up the other two, well...
Let me show you.
There's a skeletal structure unlike anything I've seen.
I'll have a look at it.
You and Dr. Weaver check the other body.
This way, doctor.
This one's even stranger.
I did a laparotomy. I started with the stomach.
But we can start with the gastroesophageal junction.
Let's start wherever you started at.
Okey-dokey.
- Is this your cat? - It is now.
It came in with the body. Dive right in.